Hidden

I touched on something a little bit yesterday, but I think I need to go in to full detail and explain myself further. I'm talking about the fear of losing weight.

It isn't so much the change that I'm worried about. It's other people.

I've taken great strides to be more than "something nice to look at". Being larger, you HAVE to take the time to get to know me... To see how beautiful I am. And, if you can't see past the outside, you just aren't worth it. Being married makes this easier. It's still not that easy though.

My weight is a part of who I am. It always has been. I think that in the back of my mind, I consider myself "the fat girl". Even when I was thinner, I was still the "fat girl". I'm referring now to high school.... When most of my friends were smaller than me. In my adult life, I've tried to keep friends who were closer to me body-wise... Had a little to lose. There are a few exceptions, of course! It's just in my past experiences, the thin girls were the "mean girls". The ones who made my life miserable. The ones who kicked me when I was down, and just ripped me apart for absolutely no reason.

These stereotypes and negative thoughts that are in my mind just need to go! There are a lot of nice, thin people. I can be thin, and still be me... Right?! It's just hard to wrap my mind around.

There's also the issue of not seeing yourself the way that others see you. What I see in the mirror is different from what my husband sees when he looks at me, different from my son, from my family, my friends... I notice every single flaw. Everything that is WRONG with me I see. This goes beyond the physical outward appearance; I see what's wrong with me emotionally even... Things that I just can't quite get over.

My weight is my armor, my shield... It protects the "real me" from getting hurt, and taken advantage of. Losing weight is letting my guard down. It's me trusting people before I know them. It's me having enough confidence in myself to walk around "naked".

I'm sort of crying as I write this right now. I don't understand how something so relatively simple can be so incredibly hard at the same time.

But here is what I DO know:
I have to tackle all of this "stuff". I have to fix it and mend it. In order for me to make this critical change in my life, I have to come at it from all sides. Dieting and exercise alone aren't going to be enough. I have to completely change myself... My way of thinking. I have to "let go" and move on from my past experiences. I can't go forward while allowing myself to be weighed down in negativity.

If I don't "fix" my inside, I will relapse on the outside. Failure IS NOT an option.

God.

I'm a Christian, with a Unitarian mindset. I truly believe that EVERYONE needs faith, and that you can't go at things "alone". Spiritually, we need to be on the same page as God.

Today, I started a Bible Study class that focuses on switching our cravings to the Lord. Anything that we do in excess isn't bad for us just physically, but it hinders our Spiritual growth and development as well. Something finally "clicked".

Like Pastor Todd said at our church a couple weeks ago, there are 2 ways to go about things:
We can go at it alone, and do it "our" way.
Or, we can do it God's way.

Being Christian, and knowing what I know, any time that you attempt things without God, you usually struggle and rarely succeed.

I want to lose weight. I want to keep it off. I need God. I need to include him in this process with me.

And I mean more than just saying my prayers at night.

Instead of eating ((or smoking)) out of stress, frustration, disappointment, anger, fear, sadness, I should be praying. I should be hitting the Bible. I need to turn to him, for he is the one that can really "fix" me and alleviate a negative situation.

It's not that I wouldn't be successful without this class, I would because I am determined. However, I've been struggling. I have a lot more emotional issues involved with food than I gave myself credit for. PINK touches on these a little bit, but just not the same way that I need it to. This Bible study will force me to look at myself a lot harder and grow beyond just losing weight.

For example, just last night I got scared. Scared of being thin.

I've never been thin before. I've always been kinda big. How would this change affect me as a person? How else would I be different? I mean, I like ME. I really do!

It seems like an irrational fear, however, if you are a larger person yourself, I think you can connect to that fear as well. I can't explain it. I know, it sounds stupid. But it really isn't. Maybe it's just the way I identify myself, as a big girl. But we can't identify or label ourselves ((or other people)) by weight. That's just ridiculous! I AM MORE than my pant size, or the number on the scale, or my measurements.

This is an area that needs "fixing".

My goal isn't so much to lose weight as it is to keep it off and be healthy.

I can't be healthy if I'm not complete physically, mentally, emotionally, and Spiritually.

For the first time since the scale said I was down 12 pounds, I have confidence and reassurance again! Everything will be ok! God has a plan, and God's plan is perfect! So, by including him in my "journey" that makes my journey perfect too! :)

2 Year Anniversary!

Today, Steve and I have been in a committed relationship for 2 years! This is a VERY big deal to me, because this is now, officially, my longest relationship!

We went out to eat. I did very well, ordering water with my meal, and only eating half of my meal. :D I WAS SO STUFFED! Incredibly so. I don't feel sick. I don't feel bad. I'm actually happy, my stomach has shrunk!! ((I didn't eat off the diet either! I'm sure there was more sodium than I should have, and I'm sure I did consume more protein, but she said we can have a little extra protein))

I do feel like I've "fallen off the wagon" a bit though. So, I WILL do better the rest of the week, and finish it out like I promised myself to do.

I'm ready to work out! And maybe I should... The book says 2 weeks or until you lose 10 lbs. I've already hit that mark! Still sustaining the 12 pound loss!!!!

Poop

When you're on the Reset, a bowel movement is a LUXURY! If we had the extra money, I probably would be taking probiotics, but I'm too cheap for all that stuff! I've been adding a dollop of plain, non fat, Greek yogurt to my breakfast shakes to help things "move". It isn't working well enough.

You know, I honestly feel the BEST ((lower intestinal-ly speaking)) the morning after I "cheat" in some way. Which is weird... I thought veggies were packed in fiber. I eat raw baby spinach at least 3 times a day, among other leafy greens.

My weight this morning is the same... 220!
Didn't take measurements today, I was in a bit of a time crunch.

I was "BAD!"

I had McDonald's for dinner. Surprisingly, I'm not sick to my stomach. Surprisingly, my mouth isn't freaking out from the salt. Unfortunately, it was waaay too delicious!

It takes a weak moment. And today has been a very "weak" day for me. I'm not making excuses for my actions, however, after battling my toilet this morning ((it decided to overflow! ><!)) and having the worst cold I've had in a loooong time, I didn't want to cook. Steve didn't want to wait for food to be cooked either.

Once the calories and fat are in, they're in. I did better than usual there... I did not get my large meal, or even a soda. :D

And, I now know that McDonald's must be avoided at all costs for me. It is my kryptonite! I've come a very long way in just 1 week. I don't want to compromise that in any way, shape, or form! In 1 week I achieved what 3 weeks of Weight Watchers did for me!

For the remainder of this week, I will stay on point. Tomorrow I am taking my cousin to tour Kent State ((and also give her my own personal tour!)) There will be much walking involved with tomorrow. That should make up for today in some way.

Well, tonight is an early night for this girl! I do not expect a scale shift tomorrow, although...

Food For Thought:
It takes 3,500 calories to gain a pound of fat!

END OF THE WEEK RESULTS

Alright! Here it is! My final weight and measurements for the end of week 1!

Weight: 220lbs
Bust: 43"
Waist: 42"
Hips: 46"
Thighs: 27"

Initial weigh-in on 12/9/12
Weight: 232 lbs / -12 lbs!!
Bust: 48"/ -5" !
Waist: 47"/ -5" !
Hips: 48"/ -2" !
Thighs: 28"/ -1" !

Not too shabby for 1 week with no exercise right?! I'm pretty impressed!

All of my PINK friends are right, week 2 of the reset is easier. I think my stomach has shrunk, so I do feel more full.

I intentionally set out to "cheat" last night. We rented some movies. I wanted popcorn. It smelled SO delicious! But man! Did it taste terrible!! I did eat some organic cinnamon popcorn we had lying around, and a few pretzel rods ((I expect this is why the scale didn't shift... water retention. Also, I'm slightly "irregular" on this diet, due to extreme less fiber)) I just HAD to get that taste out of my mouth! It could have been the "fake salt". I don't know what it was. But I do know that what I did eat instead had significantly less fat! LOL!

Today, I'm not very hungry. Could be because my cold is getting worse. I think I'm going to attempt to nap later, tonight will be another early night for me regardless.

Reset Day 7, End of Week 1!!

As of this morning, I weigh in at 220. I have lost a total of 12 pounds! ((Maybe 14 even, my scale is weird))
I could not find my measuring tape, and was in a bit of a hurry this morning. I will have my weight and measurements posted tomorrow morning for the start of my second week!

I'm very proud of myself, and my husband. I haven't been very "graceful" with the whole process. A lesser woman would've caved by now, A lesser man would've said "Here woman! Eat this McDonald's or I'm divorcing you!"

I'm burnt out. On veggies.

Yes, they're delicious. And yes, I do need this change. I just feel like I eat essentially the same day... It's rough. No, I am not hungry. Which is shocking to me! I figured I'd be STARVING. Nope. You don't have to go hungry to lose weight.

It's ok. I can make it another week! I'm actually counting down the days til I can have fruit regularly! Just 7 more!!

Popcorn is another thing that I miss. Steve and I discussed it. We're going to look for an air popper, get some butter flavored spray, and start having an at home movie night once a week. No, popcorn is not part of PINK. But if I take the fat and most of the sodium out of it, and if I go easy on the carbs that day ((we're allowed gluten free bread and whole grain cereal then too!)) I don't think it will undo everything I've worked so hard for.

Just one more week... 7 days...
'Til fruit, complex carbs, and WORKING OUT!

I can't wait to work out! I really can't! I'm SOOO READY!!
On that note, I'm sure I will gain a bit in the beginning. I probably won't lose as much as some of my PINK friends. In the past, my body has always been very muscular. That's why I've never worried too much about weight. I'm definitely looking forward to toning up, and losing several inches! And, just being more active. I hope to leave this program with the stamina and endurance to keep up the activity. Steve and I have discussed a YMCA membership, or even some martial arts classes for me once I complete PINK. I told him that I do better in a class environment... Because, in a class, I have to "show up"... I have an instructor and classmates to be accountable to. I'm hoping also through PINK, I'll learn to be accountable to myself, rather than other people.

I'm cooking as I'm writing this. I totally just burnt some garlic! It's ok. It wouldn't have tasted that good on the salad anyway :)